I am not a Crook!

Well actually I really am not a crook, outside of trying to shoplift a fruit roll up when I was about 12 (and being caught doing so) crime has never been my thing.  But I’m not talking about myself; I’m talking about one of the most infamous presidential quotes ever.
It was near the end of 1973, November 17th to be exact and Richard Nixon was deeply embroiled in the Watergate scandal.  The accusations against Nixon were mounting when he took the podium to address 400 managing editors from the Associated Press.  Defiantly President Nixon proclaimed, “People have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook.” A few months later he would become the first and only president to resign from office.

Not everyone believed Nixon’s declaration

This line has been repeated many times since then, parodied in movies and TV shows and in many ways became a lasting legacy of the Nixon Administration.  However what has been nearly forgotten is that this defining moment was not delivered at the White House or some other typical political venue but rather oddly from Walt Disney World!

Nixon in fact delivered the “I’m not a crook” speech from a meeting room within the then still new Contemporary hotel on the shores of Disney’s Bay Lake.
In fact Richard Nixon more so then any president before or since has had strong connections to the Disney parks.  First of all he was the sitting president when Walt Disney World opened in 1971.  The Hall of Presidents was one of the original attractions that premiered along with the resort and people were quite anxious to queue up and see the robotic Nixon “live” and in person (machine). Given Nixon’s less that flamboyant style of public speaking I am not sure that audiences could even decipher whether he was the actual president or not, perhaps if the imagineers could of made the audio-animatronic sweat it would have sealed the deal.

But President Nixon’s connection to Disney goes back much farther than that, back in fact to the days of Walt and the opening of Disneyland.  Nixon was a friend of Walt Disney and throughout his life, especially when his children were still young, Nixon paid many visits to the Disney parks.
Nixon was from southern California, quite close to where Disneyland was eventually built.  He was proud of the fact that Walt chose to build Disneyland close to his own hometown.
Nixon first brought his family to visit Disneyland shortly after it opened during the summer of 1955, at the time he was serving under Eisenhower as Vice President of the United States. During that visit Fess parker of Davy Crockett fame presented Nixon with a key to Disneyland.  Rather than leaving the park after the ceremony and using it as a simple photo op Nixon stayed all day riding the rides with his extended family, he seemed to truly enjoy the place.
Fun Fact: The Monorail Mark I was powered by disembodied heads of famed television reporters.

Perhaps Nixon’s best-known trip to Disneyland came in 1959 during his second term as Vice President when Disney invited Nixon to cut the ribbon on the brand new Disneyland-Alweg monorail.  Walt asked Nixon to join him in the pilots cabin when the doors shut and the monorail streaked away from the station leaving concerned secret service agents back at the loading platform.  Walt in essence kidnapped Nixon, who knows… maybe the real Nixon was switched with an advanced robotic copy that day, a mechanical slave to do Disney’s bidding in Washington… or maybe not.

President Nixon himself shared something in common with our very own chief parkeologist and founder Shane… both have publicly acknowledged It’s a Small World as their personal favorite attractions.
Um, yea… Mr. Vice President, you may want to wait for the next ride vehicle.

After Walt’s death now President Nixon presented Walt’s’ wife Lillian Disney with a Congressional Gold Medal honoring her late husband.  During the presentation speech Nixon had many extremely kind words for Walt saying; “It is very hard to describe our feelings about Walt Disney. I say our feelings, because my wife and I had the opportunity of knowing him personally. He was just as exciting and interesting personally as he was in all of those wonderful movies.” and  “I once asked Walt Disney how I should describe him when we went out and dedicated the monorail at Disneyland. He said that he was an ‘imagineer,’ which means he was an engineer with imagination. But he was more than that. He was a great artist. He was a perfectionist. He was a wonderful human being.”
Nixon continued to visit Disneyland as often as he could even holding a fundraiser at the Disneyland Hotel.  Oddly enough the Disney connection does not even stop with Nixon himself, his White House Press Secretary Ron Ziegler worked on the Jungle Cruise when he was a student (something the two of us have in common, no I never worked for Nixon but I was a Jungle Cruise skipper).
Legend has it that even today Nixon’s presence can be felt around the Disney properties, so the next time a cool breeze blows on in listen carefully, you may just hear “I am not a Croooooooooooooook…” faintly echoed in the background as the wind howls by.

 Nixon’s ghost enjoys the Rock-N-Roller.

To S.I.R. With Love

The show building now known as Stitch’s Great Escape has seen a lot of changes over the years, but through it all, one thing has remained constant:  Stinky chili dogs.  Or maybe that’s just the Stitch version.  At any rate, I hate that part.

But really, there is something else.  Every incarnation of the attraction has featured a preshow with an audio animatronic host giving a presentation to the tourists.  There have been no fewer than five versions of this preshow, and the host has changed names all five times.

Smokey the Bear

Smokey the Bear hosted the first version of the show when the Magic Kingdom opened in 1971.  As the lead-up to the Flight to the Moon attraction, Smokey warned young children about the flammable dangers of rocket fuel and eventually ushered in the age of WDW designated smoking areas.  Smokey did all this while disguised as a nerdy white dude in a labcoat.

Smokey’s cautionary tale was somewhat lost in the show’s script, in which Smokey played the head honcho of a Mission Control center, a scientist by the name of Tom Morrow.  With the aide of several video clips of 60s-era rocket launches, Tom (Smokey) explained the basics of our Flight to the Moon, and was memorably interrupted by a bird on the runway (who was only doing its level best to prevent forest fires).

George Walsh, who was a former Disneyland employee and the voice of the radio version of Gunsmoke, is the missing link here.  Walsh is credited with the recording of Smokey’s famous catch phrase (“Smarter than the average bear”), and he also likes to take credit for voicing Tom Morrow in Flight to the Moon.  Incidentally, Tom Morrow is the Disney name pun that simply will not die.  Tom Morrow is the host of Innoventions out at Disneyland, and appeared briefly as a tiny bot at Epcot’s Innoventions, and in select Disney Channel spots (where he was billed as Tom Morrow 2.0).  The Tomorrowland Transit Authority narration paid homage to this character as you rounded the Carousel of Progress.  “Paging Mr. Morrow.  Mr. Tom Morrow.  Your party from Saturn has arrived.  Please give them a ring.”  This is a pun, because Saturn was the Roman God of Parties.

Mr. Johnson

When Flight to the Moon became Mission to Mars, Tom Morrow was replaced by Mr. Johnson, who of course is Grover’s favorite customer on Sesame Street.  Mr. Johnson (in his Walt Disney World form) looked suspiciously like Tom Morrow — and even sounded like him (which makes sense, considering George Walsh weaseled his way into another voice contract).  The most obvious changes to the Control Center were that references to our moon flight were now replaced with references to the red planet.  They still did the same schtick with the bird and the runway.

The most glaring question to arise from this new show dealt with Mr. Johnson’s educational background.  If this is NASA or some such fictional organization, shouldn’t he have been Dr. Johnson?  Is this just some random dude who worked his way up from the mail room to the position of Mission Commander? Does he even have a degree?  I’ll give you a hint:  Mr. Johnson is barely qualified to work for your local radio station, and not even as a talk show host.

The TTA referenced Mr. Johnson’s current occupation as part of its narration.  “This is Mr. Johnson in Sky Hovercraft One, bringing you the latest Tomorrowland Traffic Report!”  That’s just great.  The guy at the controls of our big interplanetary space flight is a traffic cop in a theme park.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Alien Encounter opened in 1994, a drastic departure from the Flight to the Moon/Mission to Mars space missions.  In this attraction, we would be bringing space to us, in the form of a teleportation experiment with an alien.  The preshow was changed to a demonstration of XS-Tech-nology, hosted by a robot called the XS-2000, who would later grow up to become governor of California.

This version of Alien Encounter is notorious in Disney history, for the simple reason that it didn’t last very long.  Michael Eisner famously decided that it wasn’t scary enough, and shut it down for retooling.  One wonders if the part of the reason was because they had an SNL comic performing as the robot.

Phil Hartman was already a huge TV star when he voiced the XS-2000.  He had cut his teeth on sketch characters for Saturday Night Live, and later went on to star in his own series called News Radio, where he worked with Dave Foley, who starred in a major Pixar movie alongside someone else on this list.  Hartman’s Alien Encounter performance disappeared so fast, it almost sounds like an urban legend.  But thanks to youtube, you can relive it.

Incidentally, don’t feel too bad for Phil.  He still has a prominent Magic Kingdom preshow to his name.  He provides the voice to one of the two “talent agent” birds at the Enchanted Tiki Room.  Side note #1:  The other bird is Don Rickles, who starred in a major Pixar movie alongside John Ratzenberger, who starred in another major Pixar movie alongside someone else on this list.  Side note #2:  Kevin Bacon never hosted Alien Encounter.

Dr. Frank N. Furter

Finally, we get a doctor hosting one of these things.  We’re in safe hands now.  When Alien Encounter reopened from its Eisner-enforced rehab, the genial spiel of the XS-2000 had been replaced with the ominous and menacing intonations of S.I.R., which stands for Simulated Intelligence Robotics.  It was voiced by Tim Curry, no stranger to menacing vocal performances, having worked on several Scooby Doo episodes.  Actually, Tim Curry goes back a long way with Disney, from innumerable voice spots on the Disney Afternoon cartoon series (Darkwing Duck, Little Mermaid, Aladdin), to the role of Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island, to the scenery-chewing Cardinal Richelieu in the Oscar-nominated masterpiece, The Three Musketeers.  He also starred in the 1982 movie Annie, which features a song called The Sun Will Come Out, Tom Morrow.  Coincidence?  Does Smokey do his business in the woods?

Reviewing Curry’s performance as S.I.R. on youtube, one is left with the impression that out of all of the hosts on this list, he comes out on top.  S.I.R. is polite, yet sinister, and manages to convey a sense of dread even while trumpeting his company’s great achievements.  Hartman just doesn’t strike the right note in his performance, and S.I.R. is a definite upgrade.
By the way, Tim Curry starred as Dr. Frank N. Furter in the cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show, alongside Barry Bostwick, who later went on to star in the sitcom Spin City, along with another host on this list.
Also, is it just me, or does S.I.R. look like EV-9D9 from Return of the Jedi?
Molt, voiced by the kindly Richard Kind, is the brother of Hopper in Pixar’s A Bug’s Life, which also starred Dave Foley.  Richard Kind also starred as Van in Pixar’s Cars, and alongside Barry Bostwick in Spin City.  In Stitch’s Great Escape, he plays Sergeant 90210, a guard at a maximum security prison for intergalactic criminals.  He is — predictably — a doofus.
90210 is of course a pun on the zipcode for Beverly Hills.  This is literally the best joke the writers have come up with for the Stitch preshow.  It only goes downhill from here.  It’s not strictly Kind’s fault.  The script gives him nothing to work with.  He has essentially the same set as Alien Encounter, with a similar teleportation gag to establish.  His spiel is cut short by the eminent arrival of a Level 3 prisoner, and frankly makes one yearn for a bird to land on the runway and set off the alarms.
Is is the worst of the five preshows, but if you want to watch it on youtube, be my guest.

Monsters Before Monsters

Yesterday Universal finally announced an opening date for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Judging by the carefully retouched hi-res publicity photos and the always-accurate concept art, they have obviously knocked it out of the park.

Oh, stop being so sarcastic, you say.  It’ll be good.  And I have to admit, I’m looking forward to it.  But I still maintain that Universal is the only theme park in the world that will acquire the rights to a major kid franchise, and then turn it into a ride with a height requirement.

Perfect for the average 5-year-old

In the wake of this news, Disney has countered with something pretty special.  You see, I happened to be walking around Disney’s Hollywood Studios the other night, and I came across something which I haven’t seen reported anywhere else.  What is my big scoop?  Well, it’s … Actually, I’ll make you read until the end of the article.  There’s something I need to do first.

First, let’s digress into kids franchises again.  The time was 12 years ago on an evening very much like the one you have just witnessed.  Twilight Zone Tower of Terror was the belle of the MGM ball, establishing the park as THE place for top-notch creepy entertainment.

Case In Point:  The Roman Polanski character greeting area.

Disney decided that the time was right to cash in on another scary property:  The Goosebumps series of scary books for kids, by R.L. Stine.  What followed was nothing less than the cheapest, most cringe-inducing attraction ever shoehorned into a Disney theme park up to that point (and it should thank its lucky stars that Dinorama came along a few years later and took some of the heat).

Recognize this?  By day, it’s a decrepit old warehouse-like building on New York Street  It sits directly in front of the AFI building/tram tour exit and is currently the character greeting area for Monsters, Inc.  There is a platform/stage off to the right, and during the Osbourne Spectacle of Magical Dancing Electrical Light Overkill Parade, this holds a surprisingly subtle Nativity Scene.

Pictured here in all its Osbourne glory, it’s a far cry from its roots as a Fright Show featuring Mummies, Magicians, and an extremely unsettling ventriloquist dummy, a precursor to that other kids’ franchise, Saw.

Saw VII: Journey Into Narnia – So Awful You’ll Saw Your Leg Off

Thankfully, someone thought to upload video of this classic stage production to youtube, a foolproof way to convince parkeologists everywhere to give up the study of great theme parks and become Universal fans instead.

But it gets better.  Not only was the Fright Show performed five times daily, but there was also a Horrorland Funhouse to explore, in the very same spot where Mike and Sully now take pictures.  This was basically a house of mirrors, and a really bad one, as if the mirrors were all made out of aluminum foil.  I don’t have any pictures or youtube videos.  All I have is a publicity still from a Disney souvenir guide.  Remember:  Purple = Scary.

So now that I have decreased your IQ with talk of Goosebumps Fright Show and Horrorland Funhouse, it is safe to reveal my big scoop:

Yes!  It’s a new sign advertising the character greeting area for Mike and Sully!  It’s in Pixar Place, just beyond Toy Story Mania, directing people down the street to the character greeting area.  Apparently people are having a hard time finding it.  It’s almost like that area is cursed or something, I dunno.