Teevtee’s Top Ten

It always has struck me that the phrase “paying homage” is a bit disingenuous.

It may sound very nice and may infer that the person “paying homage” to someone or something is in fact crediting the source and showing respect, however in truth it’s just a fancy French way of saying “stealing”.

For example Disney’s Catastrophe Canyon is “paying homage” to Universal’s Earthquake attraction.  It does this fine homage by ripping off every element, every effect and every plot point and then claiming it as its own. No two ways around it its just plain theft but it sounds a lot nicer this way.


Paying homage since 1989

Well today I will be paying homage to fellow blogger Tom Bricker who earlier this month posted a list of his “Top 10 Disney Experiences (So Far)”.

Tom and I have a few things in common: Tom is an avid amateur photographer and he spends a ton of time on his various park shots (I presume he is the guy you seeing lugging a tripod all over the parks as you rush by to get on the next ride).  I happen to be a professional photographer working in a very different field (commercial advertising).

Tom has a love of the parks and of course so does Parkeology. Tom has traveled to see the overseas parks, as have I on several occasions (including right now).  So I think we would get along just fine.  None of this changes the fact that I am now stealing  paying homage to his idea but it makes me feel a little less bad about it.

Actually we love Top Ten lists around here and I know Shane is working on one about the Top Ten facial hairstyles of Audio Animatronic figures (I bet Famed Naturalist John Muir wins… but don’t tell him I told you). The idea of this list is also extremely personal… as personal as could be in fact.  It is MY top ten… not yours… though we would love to hear about your favorite park moments as well.

John Muir

Look at that famed beard

So here we go… From the Parkeology home offices my top ten most meaningful or memorable park memories in sort of kind of no particular order (though it is a top ten so I have to number them anyway):

10) New park anticipation


Disneyland was opened long before I was born, and Walt Disney World opened when I was a kid… too young to understand. The opening of EPCOT was special and the opening of Disney-MGM Studios was great fun but perhaps a let down as I was in college at that time, past the perfect age window for such an event.  But when Animal Kingdom opened in 1998 things were different.  The Internet allowed me to follow it with great anticipation every step of the way. I was newly married at this point and visiting the parks had become something my wife and I both relished, here was the opportunity to see it happen from scratch.  I read all about it and looked forward to it and I will always remember the morning that we visited during its grand opening. Arriving at the gate before sunrise and seeing the sunrays pierce through the sky illuminating the dew filled leaves all around us. Hearing the exotic instrumental music waft through the pre-dawn air, I still remember the smell as well, kind of a citrus thing. We had such incredible anticipation and even though the park (which even today is often considered a half day affair) was not fully built out we spent DAYS there. For us the park was the experience… the levels of detail, the textures, the lack of signs (now they are everywhere) and feeling of true exploration… they nailed it.  And then we ran into Joe Rohde, the man chiefly responsible for designing the park.  All together it has created tactile memories that I hope never to forget.

9) Attempted Proposal

I’ve been married for a while now, since 1997.  I had gone on several really great trips to Disney with my now wife and so in the mid 90’s it seemed like a natural to propose to her at Disney.  I’ve never been a particularly lovey dovey kind of guy.  I tend to find most non-park related Disney things to be too saccharine sweet for my taste and certainly a faux romantic castle proposal was not going to happen.  However Disney meant a lot to us and I wanted to incorporate it in a unique and special way.  The Disney Yacht Club hotel allowed you to rent an old-fashioned wooden Chris-Craft speedboat to drive around Crescent Lake and the waterways around the resorts and Epcot.  Moreover you could do this at night during the Illuminations fireworks and laser show.  Well this sounded great to me!  What could be more special than romantically cruising the calm waters of Epcot as the resort lights shimmered off the tranquil planes of Crescent Lake?  As classical music drifted through the still night air I would find the perfect moment to slow the boat to a wake-less crawl and propose as the fireworks erupted in the background… it was going to be PERFECT.


Hold on…. tight

This goes to prove that not every memorable moment has to be a good one.  The reality of what happened was not quite what I had imagined it to be.  First of all I would not be driving the boat, rather, we were informed, we would be passengers in the back seat as a Disney “captain” piloted the craft. Perhaps not the worst thing in the world… surely he would be a well trained and discreet. Then a young “dude” showed up looking like a reject from the X-Games.  His idea of a romantic cruise was a full-tilt high-speed “extreme” tour of the lake making sure that he hit every wake possible in an effort to catch some air.  Speaking of air it was unseasonably cold and the constant spray of ice-cold water pelting us did not exactly create a romantic mood.  As our daredevil captain swerved and swayed we were tossed like rag-dolls.  Frigid, soaked and seasick we were thankful that he slowed down and headed close to Epcot for the start of the show.

This was going to be my time… I may not have had the leisurely paced prelude that I was expecting but now it was going to all fall into place. Our captain brought us under the bridge to the very edges of the lagoon; these were prime seats for the spectacle soon to unfold.  I fumbled in my pocket to make sure I had the ring ready to go, I waited for the music to start and the romance to begin… and then:  BAM!  BOOM! WHOOSH! A deafening cacophony of fire erupted all around us. We were not near the fireworks we were IN the fireworks.  Bombs exploded, the sky turned red and areal reports thumped our chests as heavy smoke soon engulfed the entire area.  We were in the middle of what seemed like a war zone.  I could not hear anything other than ringing in my ears.  Our eyes watered as the smoke overtook us.  Soon we could not see our hands in front of our faces. We were dizzy and dazed while the captain high tailed it back to the resort dock.


It’s called Breathless for a reason… smoke tends to make you that way

Weeks later I proposed back at home on the couch.  Not what I dreamed of but looking back I would have it no other way.  It was something that could only happen at Disney.

8) Dad time

In the early to mid 80’s… shortly after Epcot opened my father had a series of work related meetings in Orlando… which gave me the opportunity to tag along and spend the days alone as an adolescent in the parks.  We would meet up later in the evening and this led to several of my fondest Disney memories.


Buena Vista Palace: Home of giant lobsters and phones of the future

There was the time I made him ride Space Mountain over and over until he was gripping his glasses so tightly the lenses popped out mid-ride.  We got off the coaster and he put on his frames sans lenses.  Funny and all, but he had to wear prescription sunglasses indoors and out for the rest of the trip. As an aside Disney found both lenses and mailed them back to us on different days… amazing.

There was the time we tried on Star Wars masks at the then sleepy Disney Village and seeing my Dad in some crazy alien mask was somehow just cool. But I think the one I recall the most is a visit to the Outback Restaurant at the Buena Vista Palace Hotel within the Disney hotel plaza.  These hotels are still there but not advertised nearly as much as they once were.  These were official hotels in as much as they could use Disney transportation but were all owned by lower cost alternatives to the Disney resorts.


Matches at restaurants, remember that! If not click here

The Outback was not the chain we are familiar with today but rather a more upscale steak and seafood house.  My dad ordered a MASSIVE lobster for himself, like 4 pounds of crustacean that he could not finish and then had to cram into the small refrigerator in the room.  Something about this has always stuck with me.  Later that night we called my mom using a “futuristic” speakerphone telephone booth they had in the lobby.  Some other time on one of these trips we ended up sitting side by side at a booth designed for couples at the top of the hotel in a fancy romantic restaurant.  I was 14 or 15 and only had sneakers and felt way underdressed.  Between sitting next to my Dad and the athletic footwear I was a fish out of water but those situations often lead to the most vivid memories. It was really about spending time with my Dad I guess, little moments and odd things can end up meaning a lot.

7) Secret Club

Club 33

Still the coolest door in all of Disney

I had first read about Club 33 at Disneyland when I was in college.  Back then it really was a very secret private club at Disneyland that not too many people had ever heard of, even die-hard fans.  This was prior to the instant communications of the Internet and for a guy much more familiar with Walt Disney World the concept of this club was incredibly intriguing.  I dreamt of going but it costs tens of thousands of dollars to join and had a ten-year waiting list.  You needed to be a guest of a member to get in.  I would walk past the ornate “33” sign on my visits to Disneyland and feel great jealousy of those privileged few who got to walk through the discreet doors. To cut to the chase just last year I finally had a chance to visit.  The food was typical average country club fair and way overpriced. The room was somewhat cramped and dated and the overly formal service was out of step with the casual setting of a theme park… and I loved it.  I loved everything about it. I loved that it was dated, I loved that the microphones originally installed in lights to interact with guests were still there, I loved that though Walt Disney never lived to see it’s completion I could see a 60’s era Walt hanging out up here with a Scotch on the rocks in hand looking out and surveying what he had created. It was exactly as it should be.  With news that it is all changing with a dramatic remodel and expansion I am forever grateful to have had the chance to see the original version and to walk through that door for myself.

6) Passing it on


Come on, is that not the cutest? And the little girl is OK too.

Unlike Shane, I do not live a smoked turkey leg’s throw from the parks.  They are still trips for us.  We adopted our daughter when she was 9 months old but by the time we visited WDW with her for the first time she was a walking and talking, exploring and adventurous two year old.  She ran around the parks with reckless abandon and was totally fearless.  It was wonderful sharing experiences with her that were old hat to us (not the Tea Cups AGAIN) but brand new sensations to her. However the moment that I will always remember was a simple photo-op.  We were in the China pavilion at Epcot and I lifted her up to pose for a snapshot.  She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me tight smashing my cheek up against hers… it was totally unexpected and that photo and memory of pure love will always be meaningful to me.

5) WDW47

Shane and I have been friends for close to 20 years.  It is just amazing how time flies.  As we extensively documented last year we had never met face to face until there was finally an event of such magnitude that it forced us together.  WDW47 was an exciting, impossible adventure that has now inspired others to attempt it and I am sure eventually surpass it.  But we were the first.  We took on a challenge that was just so nuts that we had to try it, and we came SO CLOSE. (If you don’t know about WDW47 watch this)


Come on, is that not the cutest? And the guy in the white hat is OK too.

This was the first time I had ever spent so much time in the parks with someone who knew as much about them as I do (well ALMOST as much).  It was an incredible time spent with a great friend.  After the fact, Shane told me that this day was perhaps his greatest day ever in the parks.  I know that he was just wrapped up in the moment but nonetheless the fact that he felt that way and enjoyed his time with me as much as I did with him meant the world to me. For a weekend, WDW47 was the most popular story on the Orlando Sentinel web site and we even became huge celebrities in Norway from it… but that’s a different story.

4) The greatest park ever

By the time 2001 came around I had been to all the parks in the U.S. many, many…MANY times and my wife and I had also checked out Disneyland Paris a couple of times. But Tokyo was lurking out there; it seemed so far away, so exotic so… well, so Japanese.


Looking at this stuff just never gets old. This was basically the view from our room.

I had always wanted to visit but in terms of Disney Tokyo Disneyland seemed too close to the Magic Kingdom to make the effort worth it (a poor assumption BTW).  But then Tokyo Disney Sea opened and it was going to be unique and new and unbelievable.  For years leading up to that time the embryonic stages of the Internet buzzed with anticipation and speculation as to what this wonder would really be like. The old AOL message boards (where I first met Shane) would debate every minutia of every concept art piece or press release that came out.  It was too much to resist… I could not stand knowing that this place existed on this planet and not see it with my own two eyes… and so our trip was planed for early spring of 2002… and then September 11th happened… and people were scared.  (We actually flew to Disneyland in September 2001 very shortly after the attacks and the paranoia and fear were real and palpable).  But we pushed on and in April took off for what has become one of my all time best Disney memories.

Mira Costa Pool

Wet-N-Wild Tokyo… oh wait, no, it’s the Mira Costa pool.

We went for it big time and stayed at the Hotel Mira-Costa… a room dead center looking out over the lagoon and directly into Mount Prometheus; the volcanic icon of the park.  We arrived late in the evening and so I had to stare out of that window and see the park and smoldering volcano bathed in a purple glow without actually being able to enter it for a full night (talk about a way to build anticipation).  When the dawn came my wife and I lined up at the special hotel park entrance and the excitement was electric… this was not the first time in the park just for us but also for the vast majority of the Japanese locals around us.  It was a communal kind of buzz that is hard to explain.

It’s amazing how the last 13 years or so has changed the demographic of the average visitor. At the time we were quite literally the only non-Japanese we saw the entire trip.  Now it is not uncommon at all to see Americans, Europeans and visitors from other Asian countries as well as Australia all over the park.  You cannot chuck a rock without hitting an American plodding around the place, but at the time we felt very special and unique.  And of course the park did not let us down, perhaps it even exceeded our expectations, as did Tokyo Disneyland, which was amazingly clean and well run.  I realized that visiting Tokyo Disneyland and Tokyo DisneySea is really like going back in time.  It is revisiting the way Disney ran its parks in the Walt and post Walt pre-Eisner eras.  Everything was perfect, everything worked, and everything was the way you wanted it to be.  I have been back multiple times since and in fact, depending on when you read this, I may be there right now… it’s great each and every time… but the first time will always be something special. As an aside we really fell in love with all of Japan and its people and have similar non-Disney related memories of our visits there in general. Having the opportunity to bring our daughter there has been a special memory in and of itself.

3) Dodging the Grand Prix bullet and saying hello to Mike

I was 18 and working at Walt Disney World on Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.  That was awesome enough but a specific series of events led to this memory:

Grand Prix

Not only is it hellish to work at but it was also partially responsible for the collapse of WDW47… some day Grand Prix… revenge will be mine.

First of all I dodged a major bullet when I was hired. After general training I was sent along with a group of other new hires to a manager’s office where we were assigned our positions.  Now I knew I was already lucky to be working on an attraction as opposed to say janitorial or food service… nothing wrong with those but I really wanted to work a ride.  We sat around hoping for something great… maybe I would get Haunted Mansion or Pirates! Then the positions were announced, my whole group would get either a rotation of smaller Fantasyland rides (think Dumbo and the Carousel) or we would get the dreaded Grand Prix.  The Grand Prix was outdoors surrounded by diesel fumes and loud motors all day… no cover… the sun beating down on you on blacktop in Florida in the summer… with motors roaring around you all day, every day.  My heart sank.

Then the phone rings and I hear the supervisor talking about “20k”, short for Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, and how they needed someone to fill a spot.  This was an E-Ticket baby!  This was a marquee attraction and I wanted it… badly.


The new Fantasyland stuff is OK but honestly this was better

As he was talking on the phone I just burst out; “20k!  I’ll Take it… can I work on it?”  He cupped the mouthpiece of the phone, looked a little confused and asked “You want to work on 20K?” … “YES I DO!” and so the proverbial squeaky wheel got the grease.  My compatriots were off to work carnival rides while I would be piloting the freaking Nautilus… SUCKERS!

Yet that is not the actual memory, as great as it is.  Later in the summer new CEO Michael Eisner came to visit us… he was now the star of the Disney Sunday Movie taking up Walt’s old position as host (nah, no ego on Mr. Eisner). They were going to air the actual movie Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea and needed to film his intro on our ride.  Once again being shy was not going to get me anywhere… I started campaigning to my lead that I HAD to be involved.  I was into film and video and lighting… that was my thing and so I would learn so much from this.  That’s what I said at least, and while actually true my real motivation was just to be in and around the action.

So they closed the ride, brought in a huge crane with a camera mounted on the end.  Myself and three other guys got to ride the Nautilus out into the lagoon while standing at attention on the back of the boat.  Michael (as he was introduced to us, no “Mr.” Eisner at Disney) stood up front and read his lines.  Take after take we stood at attention until Mike finally nailed his scene. From meeting him and having the CEO of the company call me, the lowest level park employee, by my first name and then myself calling him by his, to seeing it air on TV months later was all awesome.

20K is sadly long gone but my memory will be with me forever.

2) Dawn of a New Disney Era

There have been at least two watershed events in my life that I was lucky enough to be the PERFECT age for.  I was 9 years old when Star Wars opened.  I saw it in a huge theater with a group of my friends and my Dad on my birthday… it was a big deal.  I love that I had that communal experience and that I was young enough to really be blown away by what I was seeing but old enough to remember it all vividly.


Likewise when EPCOT Center opened I was 14, the sweet spot for that park. It really was the “Dawn of a New Disney Era” as the marketing slogan went; it was so very different than the Magic Kingdom but still steeped in all of the history and values that Disney was known for (and I mean Disney the man, not the company). Click here for another take on early EPCOT

My first visits to EPCOT Center are collectively some my greatest memories.  It was so exciting, so optimistic, so futuristic and somehow simultaneously foreign and familiar.  I was old enough to be given free reign of the place, free of the shackles of tagging along with the family.  I sprinted from pavilion to pavilion crisscrossing from Future World to World Showcase and back. It was an empowering experience and the type of thing I hope my daughter can find somewhere somehow.

epcot 82

This would be easy to make fun of… but I just don’t want to, it’s STILL cool.

Seeing the incredible talents of those same Imagineers who pioneered the field now let loose to create the next generation of attractions was exhilarating. The scale was so massive; the rides were so grand it truly was Mecca for a kid like me.

I had spent a couple years waiting for EPCOT Center to open.  At one point they opened up the monorail and let visitors ride out to and through the as yet unopened park and it was like sweet torture to be so close and yet so far away from the big grand opening day.  I poured over the Abrams EPCOT book taking in every nuance of every piece of concept art.  I imagined what it would be like to walk in those paintings and actually be able to touch and feel those incredible looking places. This coincides with a period of time when I took several closely spaced trips to the parks (see number 8) and so I got to see the rapid evolution of EPCOT Center.  Imagination, Horizons, The Living Seas… each new addition was better than the last.  The park was unstoppable.

Epcot book

I’ve posted this like three times… seriously get it

I recall my mother getting up crazy early and leaving the hotel well before the rest of us (my brother, my father and myself) in order to run to the Worldkey video kiosks and make dinner reservations for the family in France or Italy or Japan. It seemed like anything was possible, anything could happen at any time.

You could explore the depths of the sea or the depths of your imagination.  You could travel in time or in space.  You could visit the far corners of the world that you may never actually see. Most of all you could experience a pulsing almost electric sense of hope, optimism and excitement that simply does not exist today. I used to pretend to travel through time when I crossed the bridge connecting Future World to World Showcase and then again as I swept through World Showcase. Every ride was pure and sincere in its intent.  There were no “hip” in-jokes or attempts to be a thrill park; it was all about looking forward to what seemed to be an impossibly great future.

There will never be another place like the original EPCOT Center. For 8 years or so the future was accessible in the present and the possibilities were limitless and I got to experience it all.

1) The first time (of course)

Every fan’s first trip to the parks is probably going to rank fairly high on a list of park memories, but I have a specific moment of that first trip that really stands out to me:

My dad had a business trip down to Orlando in the mid seventies.  Walt Disney World had opened a few years earlier and was getting lots of press.  Many families living on the eastern side of the U.S. had never been to Disneyland and had only a vague understanding of what it really was.  My father found himself visiting the Magic Kingdom while on this trip and came back with stories of Pirates, Presidents and transparent ghosts.  Being one of those families who had never been to Disneyland this was hard for me to digest.  I was a kid, maybe 7 or so… the closest I had been to Disney World was a pirate themed restaurant at the Jersey Shore… this was another world.

So off we went and while my first steps into Walt Disney World are lost to time this one event has become a touchstone of sorts for my family: My first ride on Pirates of the Caribbean.

Pirates Poster

Tell me again why I want to risk death or dismemberment?

My Dad had told us all about pirates attacking boats and sacking a town but I just could not compute what this meant.  I clung to my parents and did not want to go on this hellish trip no matter what they said.  Why on Earth would I want to be attacked by Pirates?  Why would I want to risk being shot at or stabbed?  Why would I want to drop down a waterfall and face living skeletons?  I cried like a baby, I did NOT want to go.  I begged and pleaded to skip this nightmare. We worked our way through the dark caverns of the queue as I made a last ditch effort to convince my parents that this was not for me… and then we went… and then it all changed.

Over the duration of that one ride, and perhaps really just the opening moments of that one ride I suddenly understood… it made sense to me. This was not real; this was a living fantasy.  This was going down the rabbit hole into a real-world Wonderland.  This was entering Willy Wonka’s factory and anything really could happen. This changed everything.

Vintage Pirates

The start of something big

The rest of that trip and the many more to follow were full of (I generally hate this phrase) magic.  It was a little kid being given the power to control where we went and when.  It was a kid having things he could previously only imagine materialize and become tangible. It was everything that later became important to me in life unfolding in front of me; whimsy and imagination, creativity and hard work, understanding that incredible things can happen and realizing that the smallest things can have the biggest impacts.

Decades later my inaugural ride on Pirates of the Caribbean is still my strongest and most meaningful Disney memory.

 And more

Frankly I could make a top 50 list.  So many memories of special trips with my family; of buying trick hot candy from the now extinct magic store (don’t get me going) and fooling my Dad into eating it. Memories of riding Big Thunder Mountain a dozen times in a row with my mother and now again with my daughter (at HER insistence not mine). Eating fried ice cream at the old Golf Coast Room, the special occasions on the Empress Lily or studying the maps that used to hang in every resort room and dreaming of what the never built hotels would look like. Riding the monorail with Ron Howard (total random coincidence) and giving him park tips and directions around the park or sneaking to the very top of the castle to peer down Main Street (I worked at WDW at the time).

More memories of riding in the front of the monorail and then recreating that again decades later with my own child. Swimming in River Country, buying crazy masks with my brother or crazy hats with my friend and then wearing them all day long. Our visits to Disneyland Paris or of riding any new ride for the first time. Being at the grand opening of Hong Kong Disneyland or simply strolling out of a quiet and empty park late at night. Disney has the ability to create legitimately special and long lasting memories for all of us.  It is not about selling up-charged character dinning meals or autograph books either.  At its simplest, Disney can create environments and occasions that are conducive to special things happening.  They give you permission to be silly, to be stupid in the best possibel way and to find delight in the smallest of things. I hope they never totally lose sight of that.  It is not about marketing, it is about allowing things to happen that can never happen in the “real world” and that is real magic.

Have any special memories of your own be they big it small? Let’s hear them.

Confessions of a Splash Mountain Rap Star

My name is Park-Dawg and I’m here to say
Never begin a rap this way.
I’m tryin’ too hard to sound cool and hip
So don’t bust my rhyme or I’ll bust your lip.

As long as I talk and don’t sing these words
I’ll be the deffest rapper you’ve ever heard.
Even if Brer Bear’s voice actor can’t hack it
I’ll bring down the house in my sweet Mickey jacket.

This is Disney, yo. We’re a major playa’.
Our promo vids have more than one laya’.
We’re gonna reconnect with all the young teens:
Moms, pops, and tots and all in betweens.

When we showcase a ride, we make it sound rad.
We use all the hip lingo. We’re like MJ. We’re bad.
Fo shizzle, yo. Hey this stuff is a habit.
Log flumes and bayous and pink bunny rabbits.

There ain’t nothing more gangsta or street or legit
than a 200 year folk tale that might get you wet.
Take a song that’s already four decades too square
Just throw in a rap. Man that’s one hipster hare!

It’s so gnarly and relevant and everyone digs it.
Nothing sounds edgier than a rap so profligate
that you can’t help but watch and want to go visit.
Cool kids ride this ride. You’re one. It’s implicit.

Think we made a mistake with those neon hard hats?
Think again bro! Village People cast-offs are phat!
And those fly chicks are dope. Those are five major hotties.
Especially when their ghosts step out of their bodies.

Don’t make any jokes about how I can’t dance.
Talk to the hand, girl. I so ROCK these pink pants!
I’ll rap battle your butt any times any places.
White boys can’t rap, WHAT? Song of the South is less racist!

Keep 2Pac. Keep Jay Z. Those cats can’t improvise.
You want a serious rapper, get Nick from Family Ties.
It takes someone creative to rhyme the word zip.
Let me think for a second. I’ve got it! Zip zip!

We know a good thing when we see it, y’all.
You’ll wanna lay down these tracks with your friends at the mall.
Yo this song is da bomb. Guaranteed to entice.
It’s a rap so nice we recorded it twice.

Check it out yo! Timestamp Three-oh-one represent!
It’s a whole ‘nuther version and just as intense.
You can feel yourself getting cooler with each viewing
You’ll be tight like Jane Fonda, blocking shots like Pat Ewing.

Don’t get the reference? Too bad. They were big in the Eighties.
See ya, loser. I’m gonna go ride Splash with five ladies.

Alternate Fantasy – Bizarro Squares

We now come to the part of our tour where each coast diverges into its own unique little niche.

Florida, by virtue of its large collection of Confederate flags, inability to efficiently count election results, and its heritage as the birthplace of “Making Fun of Natives By Uppity European Explorers Searching for Magic Life Potion,” naturally focuses on Liberty.

California, because of its close approximation to Louisiana (relative to Moscow) and its proud tradition of doughy sugar buns, pays tribute to the great city of New Orleans.

No, not J-Lo and Kim Kardashian.

No, not J-Lo and Kim Kardashian.

On the surface, it doesn’t seem worth comparing these two lands. But let us not forget that New Orleans is home to the most libertine interpretation of a Catholic holy week in this country, and also boasts a liberating NFL passing offense. Furthermore, Liberty and New Orleans can both be represented by the exact same shape: Square.

Squares have four sides, 90 degree corners, and in the 50s, they wore glasses and couldn’t dance. It is worth noting that New Orleans Square and Liberty Square apparently flunked geometry, because there is nothing square about either of them, since they occupy little rounded areas of the Rivers of America. And New Orleans Square is doubly stupid for flunking geography as well, since it sits to the West of the great American Frontier.

Clearly the architecture is different. Liberty Square favors a red-brick colonial style with an open town common. New Orleans is ornate, Southern, and full of back alleys. Liberty Square does have a back alley, but it’s usually home to a Princess and the Frog meet-and-great and a Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom on-boarding station that dispenses magical voodoo tarot cards. So maybe deep down, the two Squares are exactly the same.

But for dual-park visitors the most obvious differences are in the rides. We did not cover Pirates of the Caribbean with our Adventureland summary, for very good reason. At Disneyland, the Pirates live in New Orleans Square. When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. New Orleans has a rich pirate tradition. Famed privateer Jean Lafitte (literally, Jean of Feet) was a New Orleans resident. On the other hand, the Caribbean Sea is almost a thousand miles away, which makes one wonder: Just what the heck was New Orleans Square doing during geography class? But maybe Pirates of the Gulf of Mexico didn’t have quite the same ring to it.

The differences are noticeable right from the start. While Florida kicks things off with a Spanish Castillo (shameless plug: this was the inspiration for my novel The Raiders of Castillo del Mar, available on Amazon!), the Disneyland version enters under a pleasant French Quarter balcony. Florida’s interior queue winds through dungeons and dark passages full of powder kegs and cannonballs. Disneyland’s queue is a fairly pedestrian hallway, though it does hug the boat flume itself, with a nice tableau of parrots and pirate maps. If you make snap judgements on first impressions, you may already be thinking that Florida’s ride is vastly superior.

But once you’re on the ride itself, Disneyland grabs hold of the reins and never lets up. The result is perhaps the single best themed attraction in the world. Florida’s 2-sided loading area is well done, with shadowy pirate caves on one side, and fortress docks on the other. Disneyland loads from one side only. The other side is eaten up by a sit-down restaurant, The Blue Bayou. In Paris, this restaurant is the Blue Lagoon, and since that title conjures images of naked teenagers in skimpy leaf outfits, this amuses me.

A quick note about the Blue Bayou. I am certainly not the world’s greatest food connoisuer, but I found the food over-priced, and the service slow. Also, unlike the Mexico restaurant at Epcot, surprisingly few tables are along the water’s edge. So it’s not really all that great a restaurant, but it does lend amazing atmosphere to the ride itself.

Florida exits straight into the Dead Men Tell No Tales caves, but California takes its time. Drifting through bayou swamps, past silent gators and creaking old men in creaking rocking chairs, while frogs creak in the creek. A banjo strums lightly in the marsh. Fireflies light up the trees like embers. The effect is wholly magical and engrossing. Before long you are drifting under old brick archways and bridges, into the shadowy depths of a forgotten city.

By the time a talking skull appears on the overhang, warning you of squalls ahead, you realize you’re in the presence of greatness.

The single coolest wall-hanging in history.

The single coolest wall-hanging in history.

Down the waterfall into the caves. It’s common Disney lore that at Disneyland, there’s a real purpose to the waterfall. They needed a way to get you under the railroad tracks and into the show building beyond. Disney World does duplicate the waterfall, but here’s something I always forget: Disneyland actually has two waterfalls. The second one never fails to catch me by surprise.

The caverns are more open in Disneyland, full of more running water and not nearly as cramped and ominous. Both coasts have the Hurricane Harbor scene, the skeletons on the beach, the movie-tie-in fog projection. Florida recently added a decent Mermaid illusion that Disneyland does not have. Disneyland counters by adding a series of amazing underground pirate skeleton scenes that are incredible in scope and execution.

Here is an underground tavern, where long-dead buccaneers still pour a never-ending fountain of port wine down their bony throats. There’s an underground bed-chamber, where a pirate Captain slumbers in a nightcap, his empty eye socket distorted behind a large magnifying glass. His skeletal parrot (in matching cap) sits on a perch nearby. There’s even a scene of two pirates locked in a battle to the death, literally. In chess, of all things. This is Marc Davis’s famous stalemate chessboard, a gag which is duplicated in Florida as part of the queue.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

And finally there is a great hoard of treasure, a mountain of gold doubloons, riches enough to last twelve lifetimes. Or a couple of nights in New Orleans. Perched on the pile, with gold sifting through his skeletal fingers, is a dead buccaneer, a final warning that you can gain the riches of the world, but you can’t take it with you.

The cavern scenes in Disneyland seem to take almost as long as the entire running time of the Florida attraction. Once you leave the caves behind, the rides more or less mimic each other. The Wicked Wench still assaults the Castillo while Spanish forces fire back. Disneyland adds a nice projection of shadowy hand-to-hand combat on the walls, which Florida either needs to add or needs to repair. The mayor is still dunked, the red head is still auctioned, and Jack Sparrow still intrudes needlessly on all the original proceedings.

There are no major differences until after you leave the burning town. Then Disneyland once again schools its Florida cousin with a scene of crackling, burning rafters and a deft montage of pirates shooting it out across our boats. Disneyland also does the courtesy of taking your boat back up the waterfall, which is where the final Jack Sparrow treasure room is (he’s much closer to the boat than he is at Magic Kingdom). Florida makes you get out and walk up a speed ramp.

There's no reason why I should find a collapsing burning building to be so awesome. But I do.

There’s no reason why I should find a collapsing burning building to be so awesome. But I do.

The final ascent is also interesting for two other reasons. You used to be able to spot a few pirates tugging a chest of gold up the hill, which are actually refugees from Epcot’s World of Motion. And the final effect in the ride is a dark corner of deliciously cheesy glowing rat eyes. I love them, but they are so primitive compared to the rest of the ride, they almost seem out of place.

Even when you’re back up at street level, the ride still isn’t over. You round a bend and you’re back in the queue area, passing by that treasure map, complete with pirate flag and squawking animatronic parrot. At Disneyland, you unload from the same area where you loaded. At Florida, they dump you out, then crank the boats up to the load area through a mysterious tunnel.

Having left Pirates, let’s head over to the one attraction that is truly common between the two Squares: The Haunted Mansion. Unlike Pirates, the Mansion experience is much more similar on the two coasts. The most obvious difference is the outdoor facade. Disneyland has a ghostly Southern plantation house, befitting its New Orleans roots, while Magic Kingdom goes in for a gothic New England manse. Both parks use the ghost-horse-and-hearse set piece, as well as the pet cemetery and jokey human cemetery. Walt Disney World of course recently expanded their queue with a few interactive elements, and the jury is split on whether those add or detract to the experience.

It seems to be a matter of opinion as to which house is spookier on the outside. Personally, I find the Florida house more creepy. The imagery is more traditionally gothic. Coffin shapes, bat motifs, darker tones. It also sits on a hill, towering over you while ghostly lights drift through the windows. Disneyland’s house always felt sort of boxy and not distinctively spooky to me, but there are others who feel different.

Columns and latticework. Terrifying.

Columns and latticework. Terrifying.

There is also something a little “off” about Disneyland’s mansion, and its close proximity to Splash Mountain. They are literally right next to each other, and the scale just doesn’t feel quite right. Part of the difficulty with being land locked, I suppose. At spots, it looks like you could lean out of the Mansion’s balcony and place your hand on Chickapin Hill.

Inside, you go straight into the Stretch Room. Magic Kingdom has the Dorian Gray aging portrait gag in the foyer. Does this effect exist in Disneyland? To be honest, I can’t recall. On my last trip, the Mansion was done up for Haunted Mansion Holiday, which they do not do at Walt Disney World, but more on that in a moment.

The stretch rooms are essentially the exact same show, except that in Disneyland, the floor goes down (again, as in Pirates, they need to get you under the train tracks), where at Disney World it goes up. Disney World exits you straight into the loading area. Disneyland gives you a brief walk-through hallway with a few illusions, such as the lightning that reveals hidden images in the paintings, and the busts that seem to follow your every move — not to fear, Floridians. Those gags are part of the early scenes in the ride, rather than being walk-throughs.

The ride itself is much more similar than with Pirates. Florida starts you off with a floating candellabra on a staircase, seagues into the flashing painting hallway, and then into a Library with the watching busts. Florida also has a ghostly piano player in a music room, and a relatively new MC Escher stairway room with ghostly footprints. It is these early scenes that actually tip the scales slightly in favor of the Florida version in my mind. Not drastically, the way Disneyland’s Pirates pads the running time, but just enough to give Florida an edge.

The rest of the ride is pretty much a clone. Endless hallway, knocking doors, Madame Leota, the Ballroom, the Attic, the Graveyard. Florida’s hitch-hiking ghosts have been improved with projection technology over Disneyland’s traditional one-way-mirror effect. The staging of Little Leota is also a little different. In Florida, you ride under Leota just before you exit the ride vehicle. In Disneyland, Leota is on the speedramp after you have disembarked.

Unless you are new to Disney parks, you know that every year between Halloween and Christmas, Disneyland gives its Mansion a Nightmare Before Christmas overlay. Overall, I get a kick out of the ingenious transformation, which involves some pretty elaborate switches, including a Jack Skellington animatronic replacing the old caretaker, Zero floating in the endless hallway, Oogie Boogie animatronic replacing the Hitchhikers, and a massive snow hill in the graveyard scene. There is much to love about this seasonal change, and the soundtrack is catchy and wonderful. If I had any complaints, it is that sometimes it veers off into clutter. The outside of the Mansion in particular is a bit of a mess. It looks like a college frat house after a night of hard partying, right down to reams of toilet paper draped over everything (oh, sorry, that’s Jack’s Naughty List).

While Disneyland has no problem offering up seasonal overlays (It’s a Small World also does this), the East coast has effectively shut them down. Country Bears used to be decked out with a brand new show for Christmas, but no more. I’m not sure if they think those things are better suited for parks with a strong local audience, but I would love to have the variety here in Florida.

Florida of course has the Hall of Presidents, which we’ve already touched on when compared to Main Street‘s Mr. Lincoln and Friends show at Disneyland. Florida also puts the Liberty Belle Riverboat in Liberty Square, while at Disneyland, the Mark Twain Riverboat is part of Frontierland. It doesn’t matter. There is very little difference in the boats themselves, and the trip around the Rivers of America has only minor differences.

At Disneyland, New Orleans Square offers some of the prime viewing for Fantasmic. And when I say “prime,” I mean that are about 10 good spots for Fantasmic, and somebody with too much time on their hands has already spent 8 hours camping out in those spots, so you are screwed. The Fantasmic show at Disneyland is far better, no question. Magic Kingdom doesn’t even have it; they kicked it over to Hollywood Studios. But the way Disneyland makes use out of existing park icons like the Columbia, the Mark Twain, and Tom Sawyer Island gives it an organic charm that the large Studios arena simply can’t replicate. However…

Fantasmic at Disneyland can sometimes be a miserable experience. Either you’re miserable for camping out for hours to save your spot, or your miserable for not getting one of those spots and being stuck behind a tree and a zillion other people. Even if you’re not watching the show, you’re miserable for trying to fight your way through a sea of humanity in order to make your Splash Mountain FastPass time. Any way you slice it, you’re miserable.

The best viewpoint is behind several street lamps and a lighting tower, with 10 rows of people in front of you and behind you, with your camera held up over their heads.

The best viewpoint is behind several street lamps and a lighting tower, with 10 rows of people in front of you and behind you, with your camera held up over their heads.

I can’t claim to have visited Disneyland during every possible scenario, but I have gone on-season, off-season, and in between, and Fantasmic is just brutal. Say what you want about  Hollywood Studios’s charmless amphitheater and overblown stage. I won’t argue. But they do at least give you a clear, orderly view of the proceedings, whatever the drawbacks.

That should do it for the Squares. Next up, a trip to Frontierland.