The 3 Free Disneyland Luxuries the Rich Don’t Want You to Know

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

The Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous; an old TV show and a fun way to watch obnoxious people with more money than you drink thousand dollar bottles of wine while cruising on multi-million dollar boats. Today we call it Keeping Up with the Kardashians but it’s the same thing.

Disneyland Luxuries

Only the finest, fit for a King.

Society has always had a fascination with luxury. Whether it was Cleopatra and her golden headdresses, King Louis XIV and his golden Palace of Versailles or Donald J. Trump and that golden coif of untamed cotton candy perched atop his scalp; people have always sought out the finest things in life. Crystal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece, jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash we actually do care and are very caught up in our dreams. We all want to be royals.

Yet we are not playing Baccarat in Monaco or sunning ourselves in Ibiza; we are slogging through sweltering Orlando humidity that has the consistency of airborne Cheez Whiz. Alas a trip to our favorite theme parks rarely offers the elite of society a respite from the stench that is mankind. Once departed from the Disneyland Dream Suite it’s difficult to distinguish the top 1% from the lowly 99%.

Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci shoes, Prada dresses; no one cares about those extravagances while hurtling down Chickapin Hill or taking a quick trip to the chiropractor after a spine snapping jaunt on the Matterhorn. The parks have a shocking dearth of amenities catering to those who demand the splendor and opulence that true affluence affords . Admittedly, the surrounding resorts offer fine(ish) dining and terry cloth robes (spun of lowly cotton, lacking the supple softness of fine silk), but unless you break into the defunct AT&T lounge at Epcot there are but a paltry few ways to be pampered while in the parks.

Fortunately for Russian billionaires, Chinese moguls and Middle Eastern Sheiks one classic Disneyland attraction secretly bathes guests with not one but three hidden luxuries. These are the very types of curated experiences that even the finest concierges in the world would have trouble executing and yet these blissful delights are available to all, you just have to be in the know.

Dole Whip lines at Tiki Juice Bar Disneyland Secret Luxuries

Unaware, uninformed lemmings line up like drones. They are not enlightened.

1) Lines? A person like you does not wait in lines.

The classic Dole Whip is one of the most iconic Disney delicacies. A luxurious blend of decadent, velvety smooth golden pineapple sorbet and rare tropical juices (imported at great expense from far off islands), it offers pure contentment on a hot summer day. The price of entry for this golden dream is surprising low and thus exorbitant lines quickly form in front of the Tiki Juice Bar, often snaking throughout Adventureland.

Secret Dole Whip line bypasses the masses at Tiki Juice Bar Disneyland Secret Luxuries

The civilized few refuse to wait, choosing expeditious privacy instead.

What is a privileged park guest to do? Simple. Instead of queuing like ignorant slobs with the rest of the misinformed masses simply proceed directly through the entry gate to the Enchanted Tiki Room, bypassing the juice bar completely. There you will not only find a lovely private courtyard with delightfully kitschy themed benches but more importantly private access to the Tiki bar and all of its offerings. Instead of standing in line for 30 minutes you will be luxuriating in a private tropical hideaway; libation in hand and smug smile on your face. You don’t wait in lines… lines wait for you!

Enjoying private luxury at Disneyland Disneyland Secret Luxuries

An enticing treat enjoyed with delightful company makes an excellent amuse bouche prior to a gastronomical campaign at Club 33 (may we recommend the sweet breads, they are superb).

2) No food or drinks allowed within attractions; that rule simply does not apply to a person of your stature.

After acquiring your Dole Whip perchance the sun is too harsh for your glistening, delicate, dewy soft and excessively moisturized skin. For fear that your eyes may fall on a plebeian lot even the tropical garden may not offer you enough seclusion. Perhaps you would prefer to retire to the climate-controlled comfort of the theatre to partake of your lush confection. You are of course most certainly in luck as cast members will acquiesce to your whims and desires on this point. The Enchanted Tiki Room in fact grants guests of all tax brackets the opportunity to enjoy their frosty treats indoors throughout the show. Lean back, put your Italian lamb-skin loafer clad feet up and luxuriate in the knowledge that you will eat where and when you please.

Secret hidden woman's bathroom at Tiki Room in Disneyland Disneyland Secret Luxuries

Do not allow the primitive adornment to alienate you, these private facilities are a well-kept secret.

3) Public restrooms are a fact of life; perhaps for most, but not for you.

Though it is not polite or proper for an aristocrat to discuss such issues there will be a time when nature calls. At such points you cannot be expected to share your most private of moments with flip-flop wearing underlings. No, you deserve, nay you demand privacy during those most delicate of times. Once again the Tiki Room is there to serve you offering secluded, private and virtually un-used lavatory facilities.

Secret Hidden Mens restroom at the Enchanted Tiki Room Disneyland Secret Luxuries

Of course gentlemen are afforded separate quarters.

While the commodes are disappointingly bare, lacking the varnish of gold one is accustomed to, they are still lavish as compared to the mass troughs most must shamefully use. In fact the delightfully primitive execution allows one to experience what it must be like to be common while still remaining elevated and removed from the unsightly bourgeoisie. These elementary and yet essential facilities may be found to the left of the entrance to the amphitheater. Most patrons ignorantly march past them oblivious to the comforts they contain.

Indoor photography allowed at DIsneyland Tiki Room Disneyland Secret Luxuries

Of course you may take photographs of the show, feel free to record it as well.

Bonus: No Photography or Video, you may ignore that missive.

There is one final benefit of your success. Should you currently be involved with a reality show you may have your personal photographer or videographer capture your indoor Dole Whip consuming romp. Neither photography nor video recording is restricted here, not when it comes to you. As long as the crew keeps the external lights to a minimum you may produce a filmic masterpiece at your leisure.

A person with your resources will not be confined to the rules and regulations of the proletariat. You have arrived and now you know three (and a half) hidden luxuries that only the Enchanted Tiki Room offers.

Enjoy and please give Kim, Kanye and Caitlyn our best regards on your next visit.

 

Admiral EO Indicted by Cosmos Corp Tribunal

Effective December 6, the Corp has unexpectedly ceased all space missions and recalled dozens of starships back to base, following allegations of corruption and mismanagement within the High Command.

At the center of this debacle, of course, is the infamous Admiral EO.

EO is no stranger to controversy. When he first joined the Corp in the early 1980s, the young cadet scored high marks on his entry tests in leadership and creative problem solving, but his final year at the Academy was tarnished by accusations of cheating when he became the first and only cadet to achieve a perfect score on the difficult moon walk exam.

The case made headlines because of the lurid details involving EO’s instructor in the exercise, one Lt. Commander Billie Jean, who disclosed an improper romantic relationship with EO. The young cadet denied the relationship at the time, but declined to take a paternity test regarding Lt. Jean’s infant son.

With only circumstantial evidence and intense pressure from the EO family, the charges were eventually dropped and EO was allowed to graduate.

Admiral EO, with Siblings

Admiral EO, shown here with his brothers, many of whom still hold rank within the Corp. Not pictured: his sister, Ensign LaTOYO

He was fast-tracked into officer training, and was eventually promoted to Captain in 1985—one of the youngest ever to achieve that rank. But his first several missions were so disastrous that he and his entire crew were almost drummed out of the Corp.

EO managed to resurrect his career with a diplomatic mission to the planet of the Supreme Leader, an outlying industrial world known mainly for its trash can export business and its dictatorial government.

This success made him a media darling and brought him back from the brink of a dishonorable discharge. But when court records from the Supreme Leader’s planet surfaced, naming Captain EO as the recipient of a 100-year prison sentence, some in the media began to question whether EO had actually carried out the peace-keeping mission as instructed.

Captain EO Supreme Leader

Conspiracy theorists have had a field day with the idea that EO simply assassinated the Supreme Leader and replaced her with a lookalike. Archival footage from the 1980s appears to show marked differences in the Supreme Leader’s appearance.

EO’s crew from that infamous mission have not helped matters. Only one of them still has any association with the fleet. Commander Idy is listed as a navigator with the reserves, though it is strange that Idy’s conjoined twin, Commander Ody, is officially designated as retired from active duty.

Major Domo is also retired, though tax records show that he works part-time as a “logistics consultant” for Star Tours, LLC, a civilian travel company.

Minor Domo is deceased, killed in action during the Battle for Space Mountain in the late 1990s.

Sergeant Fuzzball never returned from the Supreme Leader mission, and his official status is MIA. Neither EO, Commander Bog, or the Corp Command have ever commented on Sgt. Fuzzball’s fate.

Only Private First Class Hooter is outspoken in civilian life, much to the Corp’s dismay. PFC Hooter held a brief position as a sales rep for XS-Tech, but poor performance and a lifelong battle with substance abuse led to his termination in 2002, ahead of that company’s bankruptcy restructuring in 2003.

Hooter now lives in a ramshackle trailer outside Baton Rouge, and occasionally appears at memorabilia conventions, hawking “authentic” Supreme Leader trash cans.

Hooter

PFC Hooter, seen in this still from an interview given to WBRZ Channel 2 in late 2013. Judging by the beer in his hand, this is likely before he entered rehab for alcohol addiction in November of that year.

Hooter has grown progressively more outspoken in his criticism of the Corp in general and Admiral EO in particular. Only last year, Hooter made national headlines when he claimed that Fuzzball was the real hero of the Supreme Leader mission, and that the tiny flying orange monkey managed to take out two whip warriors with a single knot maneuver, while then-Captain EO was incapacitated.

Hooter even went so far as to suggest that EO “got rid” of Fuzzball in order to claim all the credit for the success of the mission, and that his fellow shipmates are just “too scared to speak up.”

Then again, PFC Hooter’s credibility has always been in question, and he may only be trying to drive up interest in his “Official Map to the Supreme Leader’s Planet,” which he has promised to place on eBay next month in order to stave off some of his creditors. The validity of this artifact is still in question, but when asked by a persistent reporter if he would be interested in bidding, Admiral EO rolled his eyes and said that the map has long since been digested.

EO was promoted to Admiral in 1994 and effectively left the galactic space missions to younger captains in order to focus on the advance technology under development by the top-secret Imagination Institute. But with the mounting costs of missions and the sudden shuttering of the R&D division, EO once again finds himself the center of controversy.

Of particular concern are the deplorable conditions aboard many of the starships, which are rarely larger than a family car, and often cluttered with alien trash. There are reports of landing beacons that malfunction, terminals with keyboards that disintegrate at the drop of a hat, and onboard monitoring technology so inadequate that it is susceptible to even the most low-level jamming techniques on the market.

In recently declassified testimony about the Supreme Leader mission, Commander Bog (EO’s former superior officer) claims that he was unable to supervise the activity on the bridge, due to unknown interference.

Deplorable conditions about Captain EO's star ship

Clockwise from upper left: malfunctioning planetary landing beacon; PFC Hooter attempts to repair a damaged keyboard; Cmdr Bog’s jammed transmission; unidentified Corp captain sleeping in garbage.

Hooter, of course, claims that this was intentional on EO’s part, and that the Admiral had a vested interest in misleading command about the specifics of the mission. EO’s response is typical of Corp top brass, saying that controversy is “just another part of me now. I am here to change the world, not respond to baseless accusations.”

Of even greater concern is the propaganda flowing out of planets in the Supreme Leader’s region. Diplomatic relations have eroded of late, which coincides with an alarming rise of militant factions among former Whip Warriors. Many in the Corp have expressed concerns that the Supreme Leader may now be too old to control the extremists within her own party, and that the return to a music-less planet may be imminent.

Admiral EO dismisses these claims as fear-mongering, and says that he will do whatever it takes—even if it means demoting himself to Captain and going back into space—to make sure the cosmos remains free of evil.

 

What if Disneyland Arrived 60 Years Too Late?

Try to imagine, just for a moment, a giant space monster punching Father Time right in the teeth.

A punch hard enough to jar loose sixty years. A half-dozen meaningless decades. A skip on the record player of history.

Now imagine that this cataclysmic punch occurred in 1901.

History shrugs it off. Life finds a way. And everything remains almost exactly the same.

Almost.

Then in 1961, during a snowy December evening in Chicago, IL, a young man named Walter Elias Disney is born.

This Walt would grow up in the land of free love and civil rights. Drive ambulances in Vietnam. Create psychedelic ads in Kansas City. Head to Hollywood during the era of Serpico and The Godfather.

Mickey Mouse would debut just days after the election of Bush ’41. The Three Little Pigs during Clinton’s first year in office. Titanic would hold the box office record for only one year before ceding it to Snow White.

There would be goodwill tours to the Middle East (“Saludos Habibis!”). A dark period of Gulf War propaganda films. The first Disney live-action movies would appear about the same time as the iPad.

And Walt—who never backed down from new technology—might have launched his weekly television show on YouTube.

Then he would build a theme park.

Main Street, U.S.A.

“To all who come to this happy place: Welcome. Disneyland is your land. Here age relives fond memories of the past. And here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the future.” –Disneyland Dedication Plaque, July 17, 2015

Here is a country in transition, from the Nifty Fifties to the Swinging Sixties. The charming storefronts of yesteryear beckon you with bold logos and neon signs, promising the comforting service you’ve come to expect from JC Penney’s, Montgomery Ward, and Rexall Drugs.

In Town Square, you just might catch a show from the Main Street cheerleaders as they pump up the crowd for the weekend’s big football game. Or take in a performance by the resident rock-n-roll band on the grassy field surrounding the gazebo.

This is the age of yester-year. The era of Walt Disney’s cherished childhood. This is Main Street U.S.A.

The Main Street Vehicles – Hop aboard a high-fin Cadillac, a Greyhound bus, or even a trippy hippy van for a one-way journey up Main Street. Nighttime is especially magical, when the neon comes on and the vehicles go into “Cruisin’” mode.

Main Street Cinema – Step inside the air-conditioned confines of this vintage precursor to the modern home theater, where classic movies play continually on eight screens. You’ll thrill to the films of Alfred Hitchcock, fall in love with Marilyn Monroe, or laugh hysterically at everyone’s favorite neurotic, Woody Allen.

The Disneyland Interstate Highway – The crown jewel of Main Street is the On-Ramp to the Disneyland Interstate, which offers you a grand circle tour of the Magic Kingdom, with exits at several lands along the way. This loving recreation of the Interstate Era comes straight from the childhood of Walt Disney himself, who once spent a formative summer as a roadside salesman, hawking encyclopedias to housewives along the brand new highway system of the United States.

Town Hall – Information, Guide Maps, Dining Reservations, Storage Lockers, Charging Stations. Civic protests performed daily.

Adventureland

“A wonderland of nature’s own design from the True-Life Adventures Brain Trust.” – Disneyland Podcast Episode 1

Adventureland takes its cue from a revolutionary form of storytelling pioneered by the visionary imagination of Walt Disney!

Step across the bridge from Main Street and you’ll find yourself inside one of the interconnected tales of Phase 1 and 2 of the Disney True-Life Adventures Cinematic Universe.

Disney True-Life Adventures Assemble: Vanishing Prairie Cruise – Guests board colorful launches for a scenic trip down river, accompanied by wisecracking, pop-culture savvy skippers. Come face to face with the sharp-toothed citizens of Beaver Valley as they team up with The African Lion and Perri the squirrel to conquer the evil genius known as The Living Desert. Featuring a script by Joss Whedon.

Adventureland BazaarDisney True-Life Adventures comic books, action figures, costumes, memorabilia. Note: Due to previous licensing agreements with other media companies, merchandise featuring Seal Island and White Wilderness is not available in Disneyland.

Frontierland

“Frontierland! Tall tales and true from the burned out fragments of dystopian society.”—Disney Parks Blog Metadata

Every era has its craze. The 1950s had Westerns on every screen, big and small. Now today’s most popular story setting springs to life off page and screen, ushering you into a gray and dismal world, where every day is a fight for survival among oppressed teenagers.

District Twain – The mournful whistle of this floating prison camp welcomes you aboard for a “ten year sentence” down the irradiated Rivers of America. You’ll drift among the poisoned fog banks, explore the holographic Logger-Jammer Forest, and overthrow The Over-Chancellor during this 15-minute leisure cruise.

Maze Run Through Nature’s Wonderland – Every teetering rock formation means danger. Every erupting geyser hides a secret. And supplies are running out. As junior members of the scrappy “Mountain Lion Gang,” guests don tight-fitting, impractical jumpsuits to try and outwit the infamous Rainbow Ridge Consortium.

Convergent – Guests participate in an interactive personality survey before being sorted into one of three Tribes: Conestoga, Pack Mule, or Stagecoach. What happens next is up to you! Will you break down the societal barriers meant to inhibit cooperation? Or will the Supreme Benefactor keep you enslaved under his mutated thumb?

The Golden Horseshoe Arena – 10 lucky guests (ages 9-15) will be selected to compete in a fight to the death for the right to be crowned Frontierland Champion. See Times Guide for showtimes.

Fantasyland

“#Fantasyland is dedicated to the young and #younginheart. To those who believe that when you#wishuponastar, your dreams come true.” –@RetlawYensid (Walt Disney’s Personal Twitter Account)

Over the drawbridge and through the castle gates lies Fantasyland, home to all the wonderful stories you’ve come to love from Walt Disney Studios. The happiest kingdom of them all for children of all ages, but especially for the very young!

Drowsy Castle – At the end of Main Street U.S.A stand the fairy tale spires of Drowsy Castle, from Walt Disney’s upcoming animated hit, Drowsy. The story follows the timeless tale of the spunky princess who overcame a bad case of narcolepsy and the schemes of an evil fairy to rescue her mother and father, save a helpless but handsome prince from his controlling father, and awaken a kingdom to the beauty within it – all while pursuing her dream of a becoming a fashion designer with help from a magic spinning wheel. Drowsy Castle offers spa services, where young princesses-in-training (and moms too!) can pamper themselves with Drowsy Massages and pedicures.

Soarin’ Over Neverland with Peter Pan and Friends – Don a pair of pixie dust goggles and strap yourself into an authentic Lost Boy hang-glider for a thrilling flight over Neverland in this motion simulator attraction. Dodge cannonballs from the Jolly Roger, swoop over Skull Rock, and come face to face with the nefarious Captain Hook. Minimum Height 40 inches. Expectant mothers should not ride.

Wild Ride Through England ~ The Adventures of Walt Disney’s Mr. Toad and Friends – Design your own motorcar, snap on your 3-D driving goggles, then step behind the wheel for a zany jaunt through London, where your vehicle will go onroad, offroad, and nowhere in particular on this high-speed turbulent adventure. Minimum Height 40 inches. Expectant mothers should not ride.

Snow White’s Scary Adventures Featuring the Seven Dwarfs – Step aboard this revolutionary trackless robo-arm contraption built by the Seven Dwarfs, which will send you careening through a seamless forest of practical sets and video mapping technology, in an effort to escape the wicked Queen—all brought to life through the magic of your 3-D “diamond spectacles.” Minimum Height 40 inches. Expectant mothers should not ride.

Walt Disney and Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland Tea Party Starring YOU! – You’ll scream “off (with) your head” as you twirl in a death-defying loop high above Fantasyland! This mega-thrill ride – the tallest in Disneyland at nearly 200 feet – is not for the faint of heart (or Queens of Hearts). 3-D “tea glasses” required. Minimum Height 48 inches. Expectant mothers should not ride.

Dumbo’s Nursery – Everyone will enjoy this themed waiting area, decorated with static props from Walt Disney’s timeless live-action classic, Dumbo. Children must be accompanied by an expectant mother.

Tomorrowland

“Promise of thing[s] to come, in part or in whole, to be defined at such time as is mutually agreed upon.” – Joint Press Release, The Walt Disney Company and IBM

The future beckons from the gleaming spires of Tomorrowland, showcase of the strategic corporate partnerships of The Walt Disney Company and its subsidiary holdings.

Here guests can enjoy just-in-time delivery of entertainment-based initiatives through the magic of brand penetration, while leveraging best-in-class assets to synergistically monetize the client-centric vacation experience.

Dronetopia Sponsored by Amazon – Guests young and old take control of a remote aircraft, piloting an Amazon Prime shipment through a challenging wooded course through Tomorrowland.

SEO Hall of Fame Sponsored by Google – Advancements in the breathtaking field of search engine optimization and deep indexing are on display in this interactive kiosk adventure.

PRC Marsliner Rocket – Topping out at nearly 190 feet, this full-scale replica of a top-secret space craft is a testament to the continuing emergence of China in the global market, and a stark warning to America’s previously dominant space program. The Marsliner sets the stage for the thrilling Flight to Mars simulator attraction, where guests race against the clock to stave off economic collapse in the face of rising national debt, all while watching another country win the race to Mars.

Circarama Theater Sponsored by Siemens– This 360-degree IMAX theater is currently home to the stirring and powerful film, Innovironmentions. This spectacle of corporate responsibility raises awareness of the very real struggle faced by companies in today’s political climate, highlighting diversity efforts and green initiatives in response to a groundswell of public support for environmental factors in the marketplace.

Tomorrowland Gallery Sponsored by Brad Bird – View lifeless pictures of props from the latest box office flops in this temporary placeholder attraction. Also serves slushies.