In the cutthroat world of competitive theme parking, the Parkeology Challenge is still the gold standard. But for those that crave the high-speed thrills of life in the fast lane, allow us to introduce the latest adrenaline rush: the Tomorrowland Speedway Time Trials!
What is a Time Trial?
Anyone familiar with Mario Kart and other racing video games knows the drill. You have only one objective:
Record the fastest lap around the track.
The Tomorrowland Speedway may not have much when it comes to theming. It may be lacking in thrills. It may even smell like the inside of a carburetor in the middle of June. But we can think of no finer choice for the next great theme park challenge than trying to set a speed record on a blazing hot asphalt course with a useless steering wheel and a top speed of 7 miles per hour. This old Magic Kingdom racing game agrees with us (and we’re not joking when we say it is one of our all time favorite video game racers).
Admit it. You are already dreaming of glory.
The Tomorrowland Speedway is actually 4 separate tracks, with 2 parallel loading areas, of up to 11 stations each. Cars are dispatched via the highly scientific method of an hourly Cast Member holding up a finger.
The unloading situation is even more tedious. The traffic jam at the end of the ride is reminiscent of trying to leave a Disney Springs parking garage at the end of a House of Blues concert.
In real-world racing, drivers earn the Pole Position by recording the fastest lap during qualifying runs. At the Tomorrowland Speedway, the Pole Position is awarded to a random tourist who is either a small child banging into the center guardrail while mommy holds on for dear life, or just some awkward single rider who skipped leg day and now can’t depress the gas pedal.
As the self-appointed governing body in the Tomorrowland Speedway Time Trials competition, we do not wish to penalize racers who are stuck behind these amateurs. Therefore, we have established a starting point for the time trial, as well as a finish line.
At the start of the course, you will notice a pedestrian bridge, which also leads to the very exciting Tomorrowland Speedway Grandstand, one of the few places in Magic Kingdom that we bet you haven’t been to yet. We consider this bridge the true starting line. All tracks will pass underneath it, except for Track A (the far left track), which goes to the side.
Once you are under the bridge, the clock is ticking! Press that pedal to the metal and push through those unholy leg cramps. Do not let up until you reach the overhead yellow sign with the flashing yellow light at the end of the ride. You’ll know it, because a loudspeaker will be scolding you:
“Caution! You are approaching the unloading area. Please do not strike the car ahead of you.”
This is the finish line of the time trial. Check your stopwatch, smile in satisfaction, and enjoy a jug of milk in the Winner’s Circle.
What is the Current Tomorrowland Speedway Time Trials Record?
We take our jobs very seriously. It is important to understand what time you need to beat. To that end, Parkeology has made an exhaustive attempt to track this important record.
Which is to say that we went to YouTube and literally watched every single Tomorrowland Speedway POV video that we could find, taking note of the time it takes for someone to get from the starting point (the bridge) to the finish line (the blinking yellow sign).
We stopped after 25 views, because no joke, we actually watched these videos. Soon we were weeping openly when we realized what we were doing with our lives.
We have learned that the fastest time ever recorded (in a sampling of 25 YouTube videos) is 2:40.
That is your time to beat.
How Can I Improve My Tomorrowland Speedway Time?
We are glad you asked! Just as we gave you amazing tips for cutting down your Speedway wait time, Parkeology is once again here to help. Our insightful analysis has yielded several key findings.