Disney’s Secret Plans to Rename The Last Jedi

Lucasfilm is one of only two brands in the world that can drop three mysterious words — The Last Jedi — and immediately melt down the internet as everyone tries to decipher what it all means.

Ryan Lochte "Rock Paper Siccor"

The other is this guy.

The good folks at the Walt Disney Imagineering Department of Namin’ Things! (DON’T!) solved this problem long ago.

If Lucasfilm had handed The Last Jedi title gig to them, we would have been bludgeoned over the head with SEO-friendly, strategically-vetted titles that telegraph exactly what we’re getting.

Here are some tips.

Always Remind Them Who You Are

You reserved your FastPasses two months ago. You plunked down $300 a night for your hotel, $100 per person for your theme park ticket, $15 for a cheeseburger, and $42.95 for a collectible light-up Tinker Bell pin.

But if it doesn’t say “Disney” at the front of it, you are hopelessly lost.

So slap the company name on everything!

In other words, you didn’t just sacrifice a REM cycle to book a FastPass. You made a reservation with Disney’s FastPass+.

You’re not paying $300 for a cheap hotel. You’re paying $300 for Disney’s Pop Century Resort.

Visiting generic theme parks? Uh-uh. That’s Disney’s Animal Kingdom and Disney California Adventure!

Disney's Walt Disney World by Disney

Rarely is it self-indulgent.

If you want to take your corporate branding game to the next level, cash in on your founder’s name by implying that he or she personally conceived, scripted, performed, and programmed the breathtaking experience inside.

Walt Disney's Carousel of Progress

Surprise Them With a Character Afterthought

Characters have always been important to an attraction’s name. It was never just some random dude’s flight or an everyday wild ride. It was Peter Pan’s Flight and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

But the real magic is in taking what seems like a regular old seashell ride and then suddenly revealing that — holy cow! — this is The Seas with Nemo and Friends.

And then you walk a little further to what you expect is a humdrum journey into imagination, only to find out… pow! This is a Journey Into Imagination with Figment.

But what if a ride already sounds like a winner? Just up the ante with some star power!

I think we just broke the excitement meter on that one.

Add a Redundant Subtitle

Sometimes people are just idiots. And for those people, it’s best to give them two titles that really say the same thing.

For example, it’s possible that you don’t know that Everest is a tall and forbidding mountain. So we’re better off calling this Expedition Everest: Legend of the Forbidden Mountain.

Star Tours The Adventures Continue

Do people know that manned space flight is adventours? Nah, better play it safe.

If the same ride exists in multiple theme parks around the world, congratulations! Your opportunity to beat a dead horse has just increased exponentially.

Simply come up with four different potential keyword phrases and combine them in various ways.

That’s how you end up with Under the Sea – Journey of the Little Mermaid and The Little Mermaid – Ariel’s Undersea Adventure.

Not to be confused with Voyage of the Little Mermaid and Mermaid Lagoon Theater – “Under the Sea,” which are obviously different attractions altogether.

Drop A Letter for Folksy Effect

If you want to connect with the hicks of middle America, the quickest way is to drop the letter “g” from any present participle form of a verb and voila! Instant illiterate street cred.

You can be usin’ this anywhere. At the Frontierland Shootin’ Arcade, the Jumpin’ Jellyfish parachute drop, or takin’ off on California Screamin’. Or just simply…

Soarin' sign

And why drop one letter when you can drop two? It’s so easy ‘n’ fun, any of y’all can do it!

Just ask the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith, Tuck and Roll’s Drive ‘Em Buggies, and Goofy’s Paint ‘n Play House

When in Doubt… Exclamation Points!

Pixar movies are known the world over for being dull affairs that children are subjected to because parents think they are nutritious. DON’T! has created a surefire way to inject some life into these cadaverous titles: the almighty exclamation point!

Thus a weary play world comes alive in… Toy Story Midway Mania!

And those corporate drones of Monstropolis are liberated in adventures such as Monsters Inc. Mike and Sully to the Rescue! and Monsters Inc. Ride and Go Seek!

Pure poetry.


Now it’s time to put all your newfound skills to the test…

By doing everything at once!

This maneuver is only for true naming masters, but here are some instant classics for you to copy. Over in Japan, we have The Enchanted Tiki Room: Stitch Presents “Aloha E Komo Mai!” And coming soon to Disney’s California Adventure… Guardians of the Galaxy – Mission: BREAKOUT!

It’s a shame that we’ve all been denied the opportunity to talk about George Lucas’s Star Wars Episode IIX – The Last Jedi: The Final Knights Starrin’ Luke Skywalker and Friends!

It’s the title we deserved and it still leaves us a comfortable 32 characters in Twitter to analyze it.

Oh well, there’s always Episode 9.


Comments (16)

  1. 1982 Name: The American Adventure…

    2017 Name: Ben Franklin Presents America, starring Ben Franklin

    We can never forget how humble our favorite founding father is!

  2. Can’t… tell… if “Adventours” is a typo or a terrible pun.

    • Come now. Typo is my blood type. Adventours is a terrible pun.

  3. Shane & Ted’s Parkeology: A Journey Into Insanity With 2 Disney Parks Lovin’ Men Inspired by Walt Disney!

    • Can the sequel be called Shane ‘n’ Ted’s Bogus Journey?

      • Only if you want it to be one of the worst movies ever made.

  4. I didn’t realize how ridiculous most of these sound until you rounded them all up. It really does sound like they’re trying too hard. Makes me wonder what “Splash Mountain” or “The Haunted Mansion” would be called if they were built today. (“Brer Rabbit’s Narrow Escape: The Splashy Log Adventure Journey!”) (It’s Fun To Be A Ghost– Spooks Galore Mansion Tour”) *shudder* Really makes you yearn for the short, simple names of the original Future World rides in Epcot. “World of Motion.” “Horizons.” “Listen to the Land.” Beautifully understated, like the iconic buildings they were housed in.

    • And I didn’t even hit every example. I find so many of the official titles to be way too silly. Most people do as well, which is why they often get abbreviated.

    • Spalsh Mountain was to be called somehting like “Zippa Dee River Run” among other longer interations before Einser insistend it be called Splash Mountain. Thats all well and good, all that ends well and all of that but in Eisner’s mind it was a tie in to the then new Dinsey movie “Splash”. Forget the fact that the ride has absolutley nothing to do with it. Thank God he did nto insisted on a Tom Hanks figure or somehting like that.

      • Eisner’s delusion actually ended up being the best thing for that ride! Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

      • Although a figure of Darryl Hannah as the mermaid would’ve been nice. Out of place and inappropriate, yes, but nice.

        • They actually did have the mermaid statue from Splash prominently displayed outside the Backlot Tour at DHS. Not exactly what you were hoping for, but they did try to accommodate.

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